Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked our interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.?? AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised Am I wrong??? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than ¾ inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
...I am crying now, thanks. LOL In all reality, like you said, you would want to make sure it works. You should have video taped yourself. That would have been a definate money maker, and party favorite.
Bwahahaahahaha...that was hilarious. Is it real, or did you find it on another site?? *edit* NVM. You posted while I was typing.
OMG - that was too frickin' funny. I'm sitting here laughing my ass off and people are looking strangely at me. If your Testacles don't drop by Monday, I'd go see a Dr.!!!!
OMG!!!! That is hilarious!!! I bought my wife a taser too but, I SOOO am not about to pop myself with it!! The one I got her shoots little darts attached to wires about 15 feet out. Once you pop the button, they shoot out and blast 250,000 volts for 30 seconds. It is automatic. No 1 to 3 seconds, this sucker just goes!!! I guess the thought is to pop the mugger, drop the taser and run. I guess for 30 seconds this poor mugger will be touched by the finger of God himself. Great story though!! I agree a YouTube video would have launched you into Star Wars Kid or Numa Numa fan stardom.
OMFG i almost pissed my self :cry: :rofl: OG i got small tears of laughter comming out!!!! Do it again!!! you know you want too!!!
hahahahahahahaha!!!!! the freaking star wars kid.. damm i need another good laugh so i gonna watch it really quick :rock:
That was hilarious, about half way through the story Im thinking... hows he gonna let go of it? I guess I found out. You gotta do it again and tape it for us. Cmon, you know you want to.
Dahahaha. I caught that one a little while ago but reading it again made me laugh my ass off. Nice find Moe!
"The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser" hahahaha what are you going to get her for the 20th mace?LoL my buddy had the long cattal prod looking one and that would put you on the ground shaking. It sucked!!
