The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus. "Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist. "I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican. "Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered. Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. "Right, now do it again" said the Mexican. The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed again. "And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead." With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort and fell exhausted. "Good" said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to the next village."
Another one! A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
I'm on a Mexican roll baby! Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Women's Ass Size Study! WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat............ 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
One of my very old jokes but I love it. Two boys are at recess in a catholic school playground. One starts arguing with the other about who could pee higher up on a wall. Frustrated with the argument one boy drops his pants and proceeds to urinate on the wall. The other boy follows suit. After a few seconds Sister Mary appears out of no where and grabs both boys by the ear, with pants hanging around their ankles and drags them to the principal's office. Once in the office Sister Mary proceeds to explain the story of the two boys and their "pissing contest". The principal takes a look at the boys who at this point had just lifted their pants and looked back at Sister Mary and simply asks "Well what did you do Sister?" The sister promptly replies "Well I hit the roof!!!!" as loudly as she could. a moment went by and the principal looks back at the Sister and simply says "Well I guess you won"
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, Interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill Her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!
^^if you thought that was funny... Another man walks into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Poor Bob...Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no, " says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
A guy was drinking at a bar all night.When the bartender finally anounced last call the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.He tried to stand one more time;same result.He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face.So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.This time he managed to pull himself upright,but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,"So you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The bar called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
