The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME. FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so. ** Click **
New Years Resolutions Internet Junkies *I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses. *I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated. *I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. *I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. *I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. *I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year. *I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. *I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then. *When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" *I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. *I will think of a password other than "password." *I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
What not to say to the cops: I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Aren't you that guy from the Village People? Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job! Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. Bad cop! No donut! You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on COPS? Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's? I pay your salary! So, uh, you on the take, or what? Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far ahead of me they are. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a **** truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al." WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
THE STORY: I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do". Here's an example of what I mean. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said 'WHAT????!!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads hearing..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT???!!! I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Q: What's wrong when a woman's shouting at you from the kitchen door? A: her chain's too long. Q: What's wrong when a woman falls down a ski slope? A: She's not in the kitchen. Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: So they can get closer to the kitchen sink. Q: Why is most bridal wear white? A: Aren't most kitchen appliances white? Q: Why don't women need watches? A: ovens have timers.
1). There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." 2). There were two blonde guys working for the city council. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today." 3). A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" The man responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied; "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
One day a woman gets onto an elevator and presses the button to go up to the 10th floor to donate blood which she does every month. As the door to the elevator starts to close 2 guys come running up asking her to hold the door for them. Once they get on the elevator the ask to go to the 6th floor. She asks, "What's on the 6th floor?" The first guy replies, "Eh, that's the Sperm Bank. What are you going to the 10th floor for?" Her answer, "I am going to the Blood Bank so I can donate blood. I do it every month. Wait, did you say Sperm Bank? Why would you guys be going up there???" This time the 2nd guy answers, "To donate our sperm of course!!" The first guy chimes in, "Yeah. We get to look at some free, high quality porn and they pay us 300 bucks for each donation. So, we do this as often as we can, which is only once a month." The woman responds, "Wait. You guys get 300 bucks?!?! I donate my blood every month and I only get some crummy cookies and water to drink. Well, that sucks..." So about a month later those same two guys are just getting onto the elevater and as they are about to go up and the doors start to close the woman that they ran into last month comes running up. They hold the doors for her and she gets on the elevator. "Going up to the 10th floor today?" The first guy asks. The woman answers with her mouth full, "Mmmm. Mmmpphhhh...." and holds up 6 fingers indicating the 6th floor.
Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead At 71 Veteran Pillsbury doughboy Spokesperson POP N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including, Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave side was piled high with flour as long time Friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "Never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half baked schemes. Still even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children and one in the oven.
a pirate walks into a bar butt naked with a steering wheel hanging from his weenis. the bartender says "excuse me mr. pirate, but youve got a steering wheel hanging from your dong." the pirate says "arrrrrrrgh, i know, , it be drivin' me nuts!!" Q:whats the opposite of christopher reeves? A:christopher walken. Q:Have you heard from about the new workout drink from Asia? A:Swimfast. Q:why does snoop carry an umbrella? A:fa drizzle! Rene DesCartes walked into a bar, and ordered a beer, and drank it. The bartender asked him if he wanted another. DesCartes said, "I think not," and vanished. a pair of jumper cables walks into a bar & they order a drink. the bartender reluctantly obliges & says,"well,ok...but don't you two go startin' nuthin' 'round here." Q: Why did EuroDisney have to stop their nightly fireworks display? A: France kept surrendering. If you like the French, raise your hand! If you are French raise both hands!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? -He died. Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree? -He got struck and killed by the first dead monkey. Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree? -Peer pressure. Why did the elephant die? -He got hit by 3 dead monkeys
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though."
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head, the bartender asks, "Can I help you?". The ducks says, "yeah, can you get this guy off my as$?".
Here's another one: One day, an ant is crawling through the edge of a rainforest and comes up on a female elephant who is crying beneath a coconut tree. The ant marches up to the elephant and asks, "Why are you crying?" To which, the elephant replies, "I have a large thorn stuck in my foot that I cannot remove and it is causing me awful pain." The ant takes a look and offers, "I can remove that for you, but if I do, I get to have sex with you." Knowing how small the ant is she couldn't possibly feel anything so she agrees, "Sure, you're an ant. Why not?" It takes the ant a few minutes but he successfully pulls the thorn out of the elephant's foot and then he crawls up beneath her tail and starts having sex with her. While the ant is jamming it home on her a coconut falls out of the tree they are under and bonks the elephant on the head. "OOOWWWWW!!", screams the elephant. "Yeah, take that B!TCH!!" the ant yells in reply.
Two elderly women are going out shopping one day and they get into Ellen's car and take off. While they are driving along they come up to an intersection and although the light is red, run right through it. The woman in the passenger seat thinks to herself, "Did we just run a red light?" Awhile later, they approach another intersection and the light is red at this one but they run right through it. Now, Margerie thinks to herself, "I know that ONE was red. What in the world is going on?" "Ellen, why do you keep running red lights?" Margerie asks. "That is the second red light you have blown through." Ellen replies, "Oh, am I driving?"
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections------ and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!
