A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who eagerly comes over. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
There was an old guy went to the doctor and ask for the "power" pill so he can have s3x all night. Old guy: Doc I need your power pills again. The one that keep me "up" all day and night. I'll have s3x with 5 super models this weekend. DR: OK. Here they are. Only use 1/day. Monday, the old man come to Dr office again. DR: How was your weekend? Old man: All the supermodels cancel on me. Do you have any arthritis medication for my wrists?
Football Game. An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains really hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the heck was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
This is for the guy that left the wheelchair!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hangover Rating System One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once. Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ***. Death sounds pretty good about right now... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me Sorry, but you're not really my type Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
> THE ZIPPER > In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman >wearing >a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. > > As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware >that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of >the first step of the bus. > > Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she >reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would >give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to >discover that she couldn't. > > So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her >to >unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. > > Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. > > With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to >unzip a >little more and again was unable to take the step. > > About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked >her >up easily by the wais t and placed her gently on the step of the bus. > > She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and >yelled, >"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" > > The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree >with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was >friends." >
A sailor walks into a bar. The bartender immediately notices that this is a pretty well built guy but he has the tiniest little pinhead. After serving the sailor a couple of drinks, curiosity finally gets the best of the bartender and he asks the sailor why he had a normal sized body with such a tiny head. The sailor tells him this story: "I was involved in a naval battle where I was the only survivor. I was stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean for months, when I happened across a mermaid while I was walking on the beach." She was on the beach and couldn't get back in the water so I helped her get back to the ocean, she was so grateful she granted me three wishes. I first asked to be rescued off that god forsaken island. She told me that it was no problem, that the rescue ship was on the way, and that I still had two more wishes." "Next I asked for a never ending roll of twenty dollar bills." Then the sailor reached into his pocket and kept pulling out 20s and putting them on the bar. "Finally I said to her, 'I've been on this island for quite some time without a woman and I'm quite horny, She said "as you can see from the waist down I'm a fish so I'm sorry but I can't help you there." "Well I thought about it for a minute and said OK, how about a little head.
>The following are accounts of actual exchanges >between airline >pilots >> and control towers around the world. >> >================================================= === >> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, >6 miles!" >> >> Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital >watches!" >> >================================================= =========== >> >> "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 >Degrees." >> >> "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can >we make up here?" >> >> "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes >when it hits a 727?" >> ============= >========================================= >> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long >takeoff queue: "I'm >> f...ing bored!" >> >> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft >transmitting, identify >yourself >> immediately!" >> >> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not >f...ing stupid!" >> >> >================================================= =========== >> >> O'Hare ! Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 >heavy, your traffic >is a >> Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." >> >> United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say >this... I've got >the >> little Fokker in sight." >> >> >================================================= =========== >> >> A student became lost during a solo cross-country >flight. >> While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, >ATC asked, "What >was >> your last known position?" >> >> Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." >> >> >================================================= =========== >> >> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an >exceedingly long >roll >> Out after touching down. >> >> San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard >right turn at the >end >> Of the runway, if you are able. If you are not >able, take the >Guadeloupe >> Exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights >and return to the >>airport." >> >> >================================================= =========== >> >> There is a story about the military pilot calling >for a priority >> Landing because his single-engine jet fighter was >running "a bit >peaked." >> >> Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he >was number two, >> behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. >> >> "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded >seven-engine >approach." >> >> >================================================= =========== >> >> Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, >turned around and >> returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it >finally took off. >> A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, >"What, exactly, >was >> The problem?" >> >> "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the >engine," >explained >> the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a >new pilot." >> >> >================================================= =========== >> >> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact >Departure on >frequency >> 124.7" >> >> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to >Departure. By the way, >> after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal >on the far end >of the >> runway." >> >> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind >Eastern 702, >contact >> Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that >report from Eastern >> 702?" >> >> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for >takeoff, roger; and >> yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified >our caterers." >> >================================================= ======== >> >> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the >tower to hold >> short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The >DC-8 landed, >> rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the >Cherokee. >> >> Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on >the radio and >said, >> "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by >yourself?" >> >> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go >by, came back >with a >> real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another >landing like >yours >> and I'll have enough parts for another one." >> >================================================= =========== >> >> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are >renowned as a >> short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to >know one's gate >parking >> location, but how to get there without any >assistance from them. >> So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am >747) listened to the >> following exchange between Frankfurt ground control >and a British >> Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. >> >> Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of >active runway." >> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha >One-Seven." >> >> The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed >to a stop. >> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are >going?" >> >> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up >our gate location >now." >> >> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird >206, have you >not >> been to Frankfurt before?" >> >> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it >was dark, -- And >I >> didn't land." >> >> >================================================= =========== >> >> While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew >of a US Air >flight >> departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and >came nose to nose >> with a United 727. >> >> An irate female ground controller lashed out at the >US Air crew, >> screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you >going?! I told you >to >> turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right >on Delta! Stop >right >> there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the >difference between >C >> and D, but get it right!" >> >> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she >was now shouting >> hysterically: "God! Now you've screwe d everything >up! It'll take >> forever to sort this out! You stay right there and >don't move till I >> tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi >instructions in about >half >> an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell >you, when I tell >you, >> and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" >> >> "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. >> >> Naturally, the ground control communications >frequency fell terribly >> silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. >Nobody wanted to >chance >> engaging the irate ground controller in her current >state of mind. >Tension >> in every ****pit out around Gatwick was definitely >running high. >> >> Finally, an unknown pilot broke the silence and >keyed his >microphone, >> asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" >>
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am. The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious? Is there another word for synonym? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?! If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from? If a tin whistle is made out of tin, what exactly is a fog horn made out of? What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong? How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
What exactly are friends for? First of all, they hang out with us and help enjoy the good times. Second, they help pull us through the hard times that we face in life. And lastly, they introduce us to people we can hook up with. That is one of the most important and least appreciated functions that friends serve. As far as I'm concerned the mark of a good friend isn't that he or she "was there for me when I needed it most". My best friend is the one who has provided me with the most access to a piece of *** over the last ten years. Think about your entire history of relationships... Every person you dated long term, short term, prison term, and every random hook-up in between. The vast majority of those relationships were with someone you met through a common friend. Very rarely do you find a couple who met randomly at a bar. Most couples met through a friend, a friend of a friend, or a relative. The reason most relationships begin this way is what I call the "V4 Principle." "V4" is short for "Vouch For" and it is this reason that the majority of people in America get laid. Say you're out on a Friday night and you see a cute brunette at the bar. You approach her, make small talk, and attempt to pick her up. To you she's a hottie with dating potential. To her you're just another one of the drunken masses out there trying to score some ***. Now take the same situation as before, but when you see her at the bar she is talking to your best friend's girlfriend. Now when you approach you're SOMEBODY, as opposed to the NOBODY you were before. The girl at the bar has a reference point for you and your best friend's girlfriend is there to vouch for you "Oh, that's Fred. He's Mike's best friend. They work together at the law firm. He's a real sweetie, and he's sooo cute when he's drunk. "See how it works? You're the same drunken *** either way, but now you're perceived as charming. So, if friends are largely responsible for our hook-ups, how does one improve his odds? Simple, just use this handy dandy friendship reference guide that follows to determine who you should hang out with more and which friends to discard: 1.) Married Friends - Don't have any. They only hang out with other miserably married couples and they constantly attempt to pull the rest of us into their pit of despair. There is no *** for you here. 2.) Friends Who Work In The Service Industry - Hold on to these. People who work in restaurants, bars, retail, and the like tend to have a plethora of same aged single people to kick it with. They are laid back and don't work until noon, so they're always up for a night out. Also, all hostesses are easy. 3.) Friends Who Do A lot of Drugs -Keepers. Whether you do drugs or not is irrelevant. People who do a lot of drugs tend to hang out with other people who do a lot of drugs... and, chicks who do a lot of drugs tend to be easy. 4.) Religious Friends - No! No! No! All of their friends are usually bible-thumpers as well, and a meeting a group of hot Baptists is like going to your favorite bar without any money. You can look all you want, but you can't have anything. 5.) Strippers - If you have any friends who are strippers, you must contact me immediately. Please let me know where you'll be this weekend...
BEER PRAYER: Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. I will be drunk, At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager. Forever and ever, Barmen
Oaths of Enlistment > All persons, on entering the Military Service, and also on re-enlistment, > are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of > Enlistment was the same for all services. However, due to changes in both > society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has also under-gone > marked changes and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the > Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the > Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Office of the Joint Chiefs > of Staff: > > > US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT > > > I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED > STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because > the > Marines frighten me, and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to > sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do perform any real exercise, but > promise to always defend our bike-riding test as a > valid measure of physical fitness. I promise to walk around calling > everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other > services. I will have a better quality of life than the other branches of > service, and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. > After completion of my "Basic Training" I will be a lean, mean, > donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne > > Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an honest > > effort to clean my knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I > will > annoy those around me and will go home early every day. So Help Me God! > Signature ____________________ Date > > > > US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT > > > I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED > STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get > into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't > take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my > trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing > straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day, even when I have a > date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine > because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only > action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge > the fact that I will make E-5 in my first year of service, and vow to > maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After > completion of Basic Training, I will attend a different Army school every > other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first > trip home after Basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my > 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her > out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she > leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I > will > maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. > I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and > leave every day at 1300 to report back to "Company." I understand that I > will > undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, > and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I > will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but > will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me > God! > Signature _____________________ Date > > > > US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT > > > I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my > life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines > without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force > was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like > the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim... why not?" I promise > > to wear clothes that went out of style in 1896 and to have my name stenciled > > on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be > mistaken for > the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. > I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the > English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, ladder, cover, > scuttlebutt, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, stairs, hat, > drinking fountain, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all > Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are > completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense > whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I > am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I > vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up > in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I > consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal > year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit > myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound > "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune! > Signature ______________________ Date > > > > US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT > > > > I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear... ...uhhhh.... > high-and-tight.... grunt...cammies.... kill... ...unngh...Air Force have > the good lookin' WOMEN! HOORAH! > Signature __________________ Date _________________
Especially for Retired Sailors: HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR ~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. ~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls. ~ Repaint your entire house every month. ~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. ~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. ~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week. ~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. ~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in. ~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack." ~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. ~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up." ~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. ~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. ~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. ~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. ~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. ~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator. ~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. ~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. ~ Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats) ~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. ~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond. ~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. ~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. ~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. ~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears. ~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front. ~ Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
